Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs can cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smell awful;
You might as well live.
- Dorothy Parker

I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate - it is apathy. It's not giving a damn.
-- Leo Buscaglia

There is no worse bitterness than to reach the end of your life and realize that you have not lived.
-- M. Scott Peck

At times, I'm truly terrified, 'cause dope & booze don't help to hide. They're used to mask a weakling's hurt, it's just like painting over it.
-- Type O Negative, Everyone I Love is Dead

And it's one more beer and I don't hear you any more.
-- Elton John, Someone Saved my Life Tonight

Alcohol, alternative to feeling like yourself. Oh alcohol, I still drink to your health.
-- Bare Naked Ladies, Alcohol

The box. You opened it. We came.
-- Hellraiser

Find you a bridge and take a jump. Just make certain you do it right the first time, 'cause nothing's worse than a suicide chump.
-- Frank Zappa, Suicide Chump

Time, devourer of all things.
-- Ovid

I can't kill my feelings, so I got to kill me. That's the only way I can be free.
-- Plasmatics, Summer Night

How the years rush on by, birthdays, kids, and suicides.
-- The Rolling Stones, All the Way Down

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing is worth knowing can be taught.
-- Oscar Wilde

My life needs a rewind/erase button.
-- Calvin & Hobbes

Why waste time learning, when ignorance is intantaneous?
-- Calvin & Hobbes

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
-- Calvin & Hobbes

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze 'em"?
-- Calvin & Hobbes

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
-- Bill Maher

I plan to have character one day. Great character. But if you want to be rich, you better get the money before the scruples set in.
-- Richard Fish, Ally McBeal

History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.
-- Konrad Adenauer

As a woman, I find it very embarrassing to be in a meeting and relaize I'm the only one in the room with balls.
-- Rita Mae Brown

I don't use drugs. My dreams are frightening enough.
-- M.C. Escher

Man is sometimes extraordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering.
-- Feodor M. Dostoyevsky

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
-- Anonymous

The world is run by 'C' students.
-- Anonymous

If we weren't all crazy, we would go insane.
-- Jimmy Buffet, Changes in Lattitude, Change in Attitude

Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
-- Bob Dylan

We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.
-- Petronius Arbiter

I'm not a number, Damnit, I'm a man.
-- Bob Seger, Feel Like a Number

A pessimist is a person who has listened to too many optimists.
-- don Marquis

People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul.
-- Carl Jung

"Look," said Arthur, "would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?"
-- Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny..."
-- Issac Asimov

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
-- anonymous

Imagine a donut, fired from a cannon at the sound of light while rotating. Time is like that, except without the cannon and the donut.
-- Dilbert

Mr. Right's coming, but he's in Africa, and he's walking.
-- Oprah

How is it that so often... I get the feeling that I've worked hard to learn something I already know, or knew, once.
-- Linda Ellerbee

Time grows dim. Time that was so long grows short, all goggle-eyed, wiggling her skirts, singing her torch song, giving the boys a buzz and a ride, that Nazi Mama with her beer & sourkraut. Time, old gal of mine, will soon dim out.
-- anonymous

I am a part of all that I have met.
--Lord Alfred Tennyson