Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze 'em"?
-- Calvin & Hobbes

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
-- Bill Maher

I plan to have character one day. Great character. But if you want to be rich, you better get the money before the scruples set in.
-- Richard Fish, Ally McBeal

History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.
-- Konrad Adenauer

As a woman, I find it very embarrassing to be in a meeting and relaize I'm the only one in the room with balls.
-- Rita Mae Brown

I don't use drugs. My dreams are frightening enough.
-- M.C. Escher

Man is sometimes extraordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering.
-- Feodor M. Dostoyevsky

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
-- Anonymous

The world is run by 'C' students.
-- Anonymous

If we weren't all crazy, we would go insane.
-- Jimmy Buffet, Changes in Lattitude, Change in Attitude

Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
-- Bob Dylan

We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.
-- Petronius Arbiter

I'm not a number, Damnit, I'm a man.
-- Bob Seger, Feel Like a Number

A pessimist is a person who has listened to too many optimists.
-- don Marquis

People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul.
-- Carl Jung

"Look," said Arthur, "would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?"
-- Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny..."
-- Issac Asimov

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
-- anonymous

Imagine a donut, fired from a cannon at the sound of light while rotating. Time is like that, except without the cannon and the donut.
-- Dilbert

Mr. Right's coming, but he's in Africa, and he's walking.
-- Oprah

How is it that so often... I get the feeling that I've worked hard to learn something I already know, or knew, once.
-- Linda Ellerbee

Time grows dim. Time that was so long grows short, all goggle-eyed, wiggling her skirts, singing her torch song, giving the boys a buzz and a ride, that Nazi Mama with her beer & sourkraut. Time, old gal of mine, will soon dim out.
-- anonymous

I am a part of all that I have met.
--Lord Alfred Tennyson

I'm bad and I'm going to Hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in Hell than anywhere you are.
-- April 6, 1928, William Faulkner

Between grief and nothing, I will take grief.
-- William Faulkner

Guilt is what small-minded men use when they run out of excuses.
-- Gaius Baltar, Battlestar Gallactica

What does not kill me makes me stronger.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.
-- Calvin & Hobbes, Bill Watterson

After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.
-- Robin Williams

In a completely sane world, madness is the only freedom!
-- J.G. Ballard

If you can't find a friend, make a friend.
-- May, May

I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints; sinners are much more fun.
-- Only the Good Die Young, Billy Joel

Having your book turned into a movie is like having your oxen turned into boullion cubes.
-- John LeCarre'

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
-- Florence Kennedy

Evil men have no songs.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

From beneath you it devours.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer

No entertainment is so cheap as reading, nor any pleasure so lasting.
-- Mary Wortley Montague

When am I dead, I hope it may be said: "His sins were scarlet, but his books were read."
-- Hilaire Belloc